Counseling
by Naito Tenshi
Summary: The Trigun boys undergo counseling... very twisted, and completely nonsensical fic from a die-hard Trigun fan and long time fic writer doing their first Trigun fic. Sorry if it's been done, but I don't really read Trigun 'cause there's so many!


**Counseling**

Author: Naito Tenshi (Rachel C)

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG-13

Series: Trigun

Author's Notes: This makes little sense and doesn't fit in with the plotline of the anime or the manga. It's just what happens when I get bored. This is my first Trigun fanfic, and isn't really intended to be taken seriously. It's also the first draft, so please don't attack me for its sucking-ness.

            Therapist Rinzei Sakuchiwa was innocently writing notes in a pad that lay open on her desk. On the right-hand side of her desk, an intercom buzzed and her secretary made an announcement.

            "Miss Sakuchiwa, your 3 o'clock is here," a cheery voice announced through static.

            "Thank you, Leilani. Send them right in," replied the therapist. She looked over to the door, which was directly across the room from her. It swung open suddenly, and a man in a long red trench coat with spiked-up blonde hair was standing on the other side, holding it aside with his arm, which was wrapped in a long, black glove, with interesting straps and buckles on it, as well as an elbow guard. With his other, more normal-appearing arm, he raised a hand and waved cheerfully.

            "HEYLOO!!" he announced.

            "Um… hello there," replied Rinzei, "My name is Rinzei Sakuchiwa. And you must be…"

            She turned a page in her notebook, looking for the names of those who had reserved this time slot. But just as she located the first name in the slot, he interrupted her.

            "Oh, I'm Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicida-"

            He was cut off by the man behind him shoving him into the room, growing impatient with his introduction.

            "Would you cut that crap out already? Your name is Vash! V-A-S-H, VASH!! Nobody's buying your stupid phony name!" screamed the man, who had shaggy black hair, and a matching suit. A glance into the waiting room provided Rinzei with a view of a giant cross wrapped in sheets and buckles, which a small, elderly woman was staring at, quite perplexed.

            "Oh, my… and you are?" asked Rinzei.

            "Nicholas D. Wolfwood, pleased to meet ya!" announced the man as he pulled out a crumpled cigarette and lit up, slamming the door behind him.

            "Um, Mr. Wolfwood, I'm going to have to ask you to put that out. This is a no-smoking facility." piped up Rinzei.

            Wolfwood raised an eyebrow at her, "Perhaps some mercy will change your viewpoint?"

            At this point, Vash leapt up off the ground where he had fallen and began screaming wildly, "Wolfwood! Don't kill her!! It's just a cigarette, you can have one later!! Just don't kill her, okay??"

            Wolfwood sighed in exasperation. Rinzei looked quite bewildered, and a little afraid.

            "Um… yes, well, where's the rest of your party?" she asked, as Wolfwood angrily put out the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe.

            "They should be here shortly… we don't really travel together because, well, we don't exactly get along," Wolfwood explained, taking one of the four seats in front of Rinzei's desk.

            "And that's why we're here!" cut in Vash, flopping down next to him, "You see, the other two we're waiting for are my brother and his… uh… minion," noticing Rinzei's expression, Vash quickly added, "We'll get to all that eventually… but, you see, um… my brother kind of likes to kill a lot of people, and I really don't. So, he's been kind of making my life a living hell for quite some time now… and I really want to settle this without anyone getting killed."

            "I see…" Rinzei replied, frantically writing 'Help me…' in her notebook.

            As if on cue, the door swung violently open at that moment, making a loud slam as it hit the wall. There stood a man who looked quite a bit like Vash, only with lighter blonde hair cut shorter and a bit choppier, and bold blue eyes instead of Vash's rather greenish ones. He was clothed in an odd-looking outfit, which for those of you who don't know is called a plugsuit, in white and deep red, with some gray and black accents. He sported a maniacal grin and rather buggy eyes.

            "Hello, everyone!" he announced in a mock cheerful voice, "How are we all doing today!?"

            He sauntered in, and behind him a man draped in a long white coat with spikes on one shoulder, over a simple black outfit, sort of half-walked, half-glided in. His hair was deep blue, and his eyes were yellow. He didn't say anything for the time being, but took special care to wave playfully at Vash with his left hand, which, in turn, made Vash squirm just a bit. Knives chuckled at this, and then draped himself over a chair. Legato obediently sat next to Knives.

            "So, you must be the rest of our group. Hello!" greeted Rinzei happily. Her cheerful greeting resulted in a blank stare from Legato and a mocking grin from Knives.

            "Right…" she began, "So, let's begin. I understand there's a lot of tension between the four of you... especially between Vash here, and…" she checked her sheet, then glanced over at Knives, "Knives, correct?"

            "Whatever _could you be talking about?" asked Knives, making sure to over-exaggerate his tone quite clearly._

            "Um… well, Vash seems to think that-" Rinzei began to explain her reason for stating what she had said, but was cut off by Knives.

            "No, human, see… that was sarcasm," he sighed in frustration and added, "I expect you do know what sarcasm is, at least?"

            Rinzei swallowed, trying not to lose her temper, and responded, "Yes, well, of course. Now, who would each of you say is responsible for starting the problems between the two of you?"

            Instantly, Vash pointed at Knives, and Knives pointed right back at Vash.

            "What are you pointing at me for, dearest brother?" asked Knives, "You're the one who refused to help me kill the humans."

            "You started it all by killing Rem and the rest of the crew!" protested Vash.

            "They were just silly humans," said Knives, "You shouldn't get so attached to them, really. Besides, I was going to let Rem live. It was her own fault; she decided to go back all on her own. I can't help it if she was stupid."

            "You're stupid!" screamed Vash, lunging forward at Knives.

            "Hold it!" interjected Rinzei, and Vash froze and turned to her, blinking blankly, "Okay, Vash, please sit down."

            "You're stupid," Knives mocked him in a childish voice.

            Vash glared at Knives and stuck his tongue out.

            "Oh, real mature, Vash," Knives replied.

            "Enough," Rinzei said, "Now, who's Rem?"

            "Just a stupid hippie bitch," Knives replied.

            Vash began to glare and growl at Knives, and it became Wolfwood's job to hold him back.

            "Um, Vash?" Rinzei said, "Perhaps you could give us a better answer?"

            "Rem…" began Vash, dreamily.

            "Oh, here it goes," moaned Knives.

            Ignoring him, Vash continued, "Rem was an amazing person. She was kind and generous and unconditionally loving and caring to all. She cared for Knives and myself, and loved us and treated us as if we were her own children. I guess we were, kind of, even though we weren't born, but made in a lab. Anyway, Rem taught us a lot about life… and about love. She would love us unconditionally. Oh… and then Knives KILLED HER!!"

            "Yeah, it was pretty cool," commented Knives, "It was great. She was going to come with us on our escape pod, because I was going to let her live because Vash was so fond of her and I'm just such a great brother like that-" Vash scoffed at this "-but she decides to go back to help this other guy… who I already killed! Priceless... oh, and the explosion!" He brought his fingers to his mouth and kissed them, "The explosion was magnificent!"

            Now Vash lunged at Knives, and began punching him violently.

            "Um… okay," said Rinzei, as Vash and Knives continued their battle, "So, Mr. Wolfwood, what's your involvement in all this?"

            "Well," began Wolfwood, "I kind of work for Knives and Legato over there. They sent me after Vash to make sure that he got to Knives so Knives could take care of him. Assuming Vash is indeed the horrible, merciless, cruel outlaw everyone says he is, I agree. Then I meet the guy and he's the nicest - albeit craziest and most naïve - person I know. So, I kind of switch sides, even though I still work for them. Not that I work for them by choice… they just kind of threatened the safety of myself and the orphans at my church."

            "Okay," said Rinzei, "Then, is there anything you'd like to say to Knives- er, he's indisposed at the moment, huh? Is there anything you'd like to say to Legato?"

            "Yes," and with that, Wolfwood turned to Legato, "Take this job and shove it."

            "Legato, what is your response to that?" Rinzei asked.

            Legato turned to Wolfwood, and spoke coldly, "It's such a pity. You had potential - now I suspect Knives shall probably want you dead."

            "Wolfwood, how do you feel about that? About the possibility of dying?" Rinzei asked.

            "Um… actually, it's not sitting too well with me. I kind of like living. Besides, there aren't any churches with dramatic lighting around here." he responded.

            "Right," Rinzei replied, then turned to Vash and Knives, "Are you two finished yet?"

            The now bruised and slightly bloody brothers got up and returned to their seats. Rinzei nodded.

            "Now, I see a lot of aggression coming from you, Knives. Has it ever occurred to you that you might want to try to control your anger instead of letting it control you?" Rinzei asked.

            "Let me think about that for a while… oh, wait, um, NO," replied Knives.

            "I see," replied Rinzei, "Well, if you're not going to help me help you, then I can't help you."

            "Listen, human," Knives articulated clearly as he leaned forward towards her desk, "I don't really care to help you help me… I'd much rather that you help me help you to die. I don't care to be here… in fact, I only agreed to this stupid thing so I could taunt Vash. And I'd really like to help you shut up, because by doing so you could help me by making it easier for me to taunt Vash. Now, will you help me?"

            Rinzei blinked, then said, "Knives, I'm sensing a lot of malevolence towards your brother."

            "Holy shit," exclaimed Knives, "We've got a genius on our hands, people."

            Rinzei ignored Knives' comment and moved right on, "Why is that?"

            "You've been told, idiot," replied Knives, "The fool refuses to kill humans even though they're an inferior species and only destroy every planet they're placed on. In fact, he refuses to kill ANYTHING. You could stick a tarantula down this idiot's pants and he'd sooner let it bite him in the ass than try to squash it. In fact, that's a spider. Killing spiders is very clearly off-limits, okay?"

            Vash began frowning during Knives' rant, and his expression grew angrier and angrier as his brother continued.

           "I mean, I give the guy a gun and lead him to go kill some humans, and do you know what he does?" Knives went on.

            "Oh, no…" moaned Wolfwood, "We're going to be here a few more hours now."

            "He shot me in the leg!" exclaimed Knives, "He actually took his gun and shot me in the leg! He aimed his gun at my leg and pulled the trigger, thereby shooting me in the leg! He caused me a great pain in my leg, much like being shot in the leg, because he shot me in the leg! He took the gun - the gun I gave him - and he shot me in the leg! He just picked it up and shot me! He shot me in the leg! He actually shot me in the leg! I still can't believe it - he SHOT me in the LEG!! He actually took his damn gun and, full willing, shot me in the leg!! He deliberately-"

            "SHOT YOU IN THE LEG!" interrupted Wolfwood, "Yes, we GET it, Knives."

            "But he shot me in the leg!" exclaimed Knives.

            "Vash, did you actually shoot him in the leg? Did you really take your gun and shoot him in the leg? Did you aim your gun and pull the trigger and shoot him in the leg? Did you really shoot him in the leg? Did you actually, deliberately, full willing, shoot him in the leg?" asked Rinzei.

            "YES!!" screamed Vash, "Yes, I shot him in the leg!! I actually took my gun and shot him in the leg! I actually shot him in the leg! I aimed the gun and pulled the trigger and shot him in the leg! I caused him great pain in his leg, pain like being shot in his leg, because I shot him in the leg! I took the gun he gave me and I shot him in the leg! I just picked it up and shot him! I shot him in the leg! I actually shot him in the leg! I really, really did shoot him in the leg! I took my damn gun, full willing, and SHOT - HIM - IN - THE - LEG! OKAY!?"

            "Oh, okay," replied Rinzei, "But you did so to prevent the killing of humans, right?"

            "That was the point, yeah," replied Vash.

            "Oh, well, that's fine," said Rinzei, "Knives, would you say that's the worst thing your brother has done to you?"

            "Is it!?" replied Knives incredulously, "He SHOT me in the LEG! Of course it is!"

            "Okay," replied Rinzei, "And Vash, what's the worst thing Knives has done to you - not the killing of Rem, this time, but directly to you."

            "Well, let's see…" said Vash, in mock thoughtful tone, "Hmm… whatever did he do?"

            Vash took his right arm and began to rub his left arm in thought, "Oh yeah, there was that time he SHOT ME IN THE ARM! He actually took his gun and shot me in the arm! I can't believe he shot me in the arm! He deliberately shot me in th-"

            "Yeah, okay, Vash… jeez. You don't have to go on like a lunatic," cut in Knives.

            Vash blinked at Knives incredulously, and then continued, "But he didn't just shoot me in the arm, oh no, he shot OFF my arm!"

            "Oh my," commented Rinzei, "Knives, that was a horrible thing to do."

            "Oh, that's not horrible," said Vash, "That's not even close to horrible! Here's what's horrible - after he shoots my arm off, he TAKES my arm."

            "That's revolting!" said Rinzei.

            "But it's not where it ends! Oh, no! He TAKES my arm… and then… he attaches it - to THIS GUY!" Vash screamed indignantly, pointing at Legato.

            "It's not polite to point," said Legato calmly.

            "It's not polite to steal people's arms, either!" responded Vash.

            "Knives… how can you justify this?" Rinzei asked in shock.

            "Well… see, Legato needed an arm," Knives explained patiently, "He was missing his left arm. So, I decided to give him my brother's. I was just being a good friend, that's all."

            "And it didn't occur to you to be a good brother?" Rinzei asked.

            "No," replied Knives flatly.

            "Did it occur to you at any time?" Rinzei inquired further.

            "Not for quite some time now, no," Knives responded in the same tone.

            "Knives," Rinzei began, "I hate to say this, but I think you may be the one responsible for all the tension and aggression going on here."

            "Yes, yes, I KNOW that already," said Knives, "But I'm quite happy with that. It's awfully rewarding, actually, to see my efforts turn out so well."

            Legato nodded, and then licked his left hand. Vash, who was still standing, began pointing again.

            "Rinzei! Rinzei!" hollered Vash, "He's lickin' my arm!"

            "It's my arm now," replied Legato coolly.

            "Is not!" argued Vash.

            "But, it's delicious," replied Legato, "So delicious."

            With that, Legato began licking the hand again. Vash made a little squealing noise and sort of squirmed, then leaped at Legato and grabbed onto his - or is it his? - left arm.

            "It is not delicious! Give it back!" whined Vash.

            "No!" objected Legato, "My delicious arm!"

            "Give it! Give it back NOW!" Vash wailed again, now full-on sobbing.

            "Get off!" ordered Legato, and now used his psychic powers to throw Vash against a wall.

            "Owww!" whined Vash as he hit the wall, "That was mean!"

            Legato now took some Teriyaki Sauce out of his coat and poured it onto his left hand, and began licking it some more.

            "Oh, it's absolutely scrumptious!" Legato commented.

           Knives was actually looking a little freaked out at this point, and inched away ever so slightly. Wolfwood, meanwhile, was kind of staring at Legato.

            "No," sighed Wolfwood, "No, that's just not right."

            With that, the priest got up and left the office, walked into the waiting room, and returned with the cross punisher unwrapped and ready for action.

            "Don't kill them, Wolfwood!" screamed Vash, who was still pinned on the wall.

            "What, you rather I barbecue your arm for Legato?" Wolfwood replied.

            "That'd be very pleasant," replied Legato, holding out his left arm expectantly.

            At this point, Vash lapsed into a screaming-screeching-wail. Wolfwood sighed and aimed his machine gun at the point at which Legato's shoulder would end and Vash's arm would begin. Knives stood in front of Legato and took out his gun.

            "The arm is Legato's," warned Knives, "You're not taking away one of my favorite tools to fuck with Vash's head."

            "You know what?" responded Wolfwood, "I'll bet that if Legato finds Vash's arm so delicious, he'll think you're pretty tasty, too, Knives."

            Knives blinked, "What are you suggesting, priest?"

            "I'm suggesting," Wolfwood said, now addressing Legato, "That you put down the appetizer and move on to the main course."

            Legato blinked and looked at Knives with interest.

            "Why are you looking at me that way, Legato!?" exclaimed Knives.

            "He probably is right…" Legato said with wonder, "You probably are delicious, master!"

            With that, Legato brought out his Teriyaki Sauce and lunged at Knives, who immediately bolted to the other side of the room.

            "Now, Legato, don't make me kill you!" Knives warned, aiming his gun at Legato, who was advancing and looking quite ravenous.

            "Don't kill him, Knives!" squealed Vash from the wall.

            "Oh, shut up!" replied Knives, Wolfwood and Legato.

            "Master, relax. I'm not hungry now, really!" said Legato, being as sincere as he could fake.

            "Get away!" screamed Knives, who leapt over Legato, using his head as a step, and then bolted out the door.

            "Master, come back!" wailed Legato as he chased him, "I could do Sukiyaki instead, if you prefer!"

            As Legato left, Vash flopped to the floor. He looked at Wolfwood. Wolfwood looked at him.

            "So, want to go get a few drinks?" asked Wolfwood.

            "You're buying!" replied Vash, putting an arm around his buddy and laughing like a psychopath.

            "You know something? For a guy worth 60 billion double dollars, you sure are pretty broke!" Wolfwood yelled at Vash.

            "Yeah, I know! It's a real bummer, huh?" replied Vash.

            And with that, the two left.

            Rinzei was left alone, sitting at her desk, blinking.

            "What just happened?" she wondered aloud.

            A black cat leapt up onto her desk, strolled to the center, and sat down directly in front of her.

            "Nya?" it proclaimed.

            Rinzei blinked. Then she got up and walked out of her office.

            "Oh, Leilani…" she said to the secretary on her way out, "I'm going to be taking a long weekend."

            Rinzei slammed the door to the office, leaving the cat in utter darkness, its huge green eyes practically glowing.

            "Nyaaa…"

_The End_


End file.
